Deployment #3: Ready. Set.

Go.

There's no good way to begin this sort of thing, except to just begin.

That whole "the sooner it starts the sooner it can be over" idea.

I can never stress it enough that, even in the hard times we are facing, this life is beautiful. I am fortunate and blessed to have five over-the-moon Amazing children, who love one another and touch the lives of those around them with their kind hearts and sweet spirits every day. I am lucky enough to be married to a man who is literally the man of my dreams. He is strong, brave, humble and inspiring. We've been through a lot, no doubt. But I'd go through it all again, and more, to have the privilege of being a part of this miraculous family.

Life swirls around us sometimes, and it is all too easy to get caught up in the day to day little things.

Deployment takes that away. It makes you stop, whether you like it or not. And see what really matters most.

The big truth is this: We are strong because we love each other. We are stronger than we think. Stronger than we know. Stronger than we want to be, sometimes. And as long as we stick together there is nothing in this world our family won't be able to accomplish or overcome.

We love you, Daddy. See you in 9 months.

(This slideshow is one you don't want to miss. Just....grab a box of tissues first. And turn the sound up.)

***Before we said See Ya Later, our not-so-little-anymore family had the opportunity to have some beautiful photos taken by the ever-so-talented Angela Klocke (You may remember her from such photos as....those that are on the top and sides of my blog taken during R&R for the Iraq deployment last year and this particularly awesome Homecoming post.) 

Angela, you have given our family a gift precious beyond words. I can never Thank You enough for sharing your time and your talent with us to create beautiful memories to help us get through the next 9 months apart.***

I selected this post to be featured on Military Blogs. Please visit the site and vote for my blog!

When The Going Gets Tough

Sorry for the string of semi-depressing, semi-angry, semi-full-of-self-pity posts.

But hey, it's where I'm at right now.

To tell you the honest truth, I woke up this morning feeling like I wasn't sure if I wanted to hug my husband.....or punch him.

(Of course, you can't punch a guy who will take three little ones for a walk to Starbucks all by himself. Why does he have to be so awesome?!?! ARRRRGH!)

I believe we call that the "anger" stage of grief. And you DO grieve facing a deployment. The separation is a loss, and that loss requires processing. And that processing requires steps, and sometimes those steps involve anger. So there we are.

The denial stage of course lasted from the minute we heard about the deployment until the minute we heard my husband was on a team for certain. Since then I have felt anger at others, but this morning was the first time I felt it directed at my husband instead. The whole "Why did you even JOIN the Army?!?!" and "You keep leaving me!!! WHY did I sign up for this?!?!? ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!" train of thought had left the station this morning. It wasn't pretty.

I don't much like the anger stage. Usually it doesn't stick around for long though, because the "depression" and "bargaining" stages are much more compatible with actually having to say goodbye. In this instance I find the "depression" stage to mean more like "Man, being angry wastes a lot of energy and I'm pretty drained from crying myself to sleep every night for a week. Maybe I will sit here and attempt to feel nothing. Blah." And the "bargaining"....well, I'm sure everyone reading this can imagine the sorts of things Army Wives bargain for under the circumstances. "Just let him come home. Just let him come home and I will do anything/be the best wife ever/never be upset with him again/iron the laundry every day for the rest of my life including his uniforms without complaining. Swearsies."


And eventually comes Acceptance. This go around, the wives of Team 19 are going to formally welcome the Acceptance stage after the guys leave with a "hot-tub, wine, appetizer, chocolate, crying party!" according to my friend Amy. I think this should be an official, Army-mandated function. After all, it sounds like a heck of a lot more fun than a Deployment Ceremony.

I'm trying a new insane chocolate indulgence recipe for this occasion, and decided it would be best to, you know, give it a test run. One, because you can never have TO much chocolate in times like these and Two, so my kids can have some and not be begging and crying when I try to walk out the door with another one in a few days.

Here is what I will be bringing to Team 19 Cry-Fest 2012: Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie n' Oreo Fudge Brownie Bars

(If you didn't click the link, you should. It's cookie dough, with double stuff oreos and brownies on top. No. I'm not even kidding.)

Because when the going gets tough, the tough get baking. And crying. And commiserating. And comforting. And Accepting.

And no one knows how to do all those things quite like Army wives.

Hey! Look!

The Army puked in our living room.....

And the Army....Goes Rolling...Along....

Today was the "Deployment Ceremony."

The guys don't actually leave for a couple more days, give or take. It's sort of a moving target until they actually get on a plane, and besides that we aren't supposed to share exact times/days anyways. But. It's soon.

Still, this ceremony was to "case the colors." I wrote about it when he went to Iraq. They pack up the flags by wrapping them in camo, and they uncase them when they arrive in Afghanistan.

When they went to Iraq the ceremony was outdoors, and to be honest I don't remember THAT many people being in attendance. This was different for some reason, there were a large number of soldiers there who were NOT deploying, along with all the families of the soldiers who were deploying and of course the soldiers themselves. And it was indoors, with pretty limited seating. I was glad we got there early, we were able to sit on the front row and avoid climbing stairs with Vi. Plus, we had an excellent view of Daddy the whole time.

Since we were early we got to hang out with Daddy for a bit beforehand. Vi saw the giant flag, and she remembered seeing it in a photo from Daddy's change of command ceremony with my Mom, Pudah, Bug and Baby Man. She pointed right at the flag and said "Babushka?" It was cute.

Some of our best-est Army friends came to sit with us: Allison, Emily, Aileen and the Army & Navy (you may know them from pretty much every birthday part post I've written since we moved here. They are permanent fixtures in our lives now, and we are so grateful for their friendship!) Emily and Aileen's Daddy is going to Afghanistan too. And I can tell you, there has never been and never will be a better Battle Buddy than my friend Allison. So at least I've got that going for me again this deployment.

Eventually, The guys all lined up in formation.

And they cased the colors:

And eventually the Brigade Commander gave a speech. "Important" people were thanked for their attendance. The mission was discussed, and the short notice with which it was put together. I'm pretty sure he said something about our soldiers being awesome.

I missed a lot of the speech because Vi was pointing to every man in camo trying to discern which one was "Papa."

"Papa?"

No, Papa is right there. Right in front. See him?

"Dah (yes)." *pointing to random soldier* "Papa?"

No, Papa is right THERE. See him?

"Dah." *pointing to Brigade Commander who is talking* "Papa?"

Uhm. Definitely No.

And so on and so forth for a very long time. I don't blame her, I can rarely spot my soldier in that sea of camo either, and it was certainly very overwhelming for her. She did great with all the new faces though, she even gave out a few of her signature smiles. But mostly she would shake her head No if I told her someone was my friend, and then lay her head on my shoulder and hide a little.

For your reference, in all the videos when you see the 4 leaf clover looking patch flag (that's the 4th ID), he is the first man in front on the left side of the screen, closest to that flag. I hope that makes sense.

Bug sat on the floor with Emily and Aileen. We were of course situated DIRECTLY behind the podium, so the fact that they were generally ignoring the speaker, smiling and chatting quietly while eating fruit snacks and lollipops was probably noticed by one or two other people.

Oh well. At least it was quiet chatter. And hey, they are are about to say goodbye to the most important men in their lives once more, so I think we can cut them a little slack.

If you are interested, here are a few bits of the speech. I find it interesting mostly because of how it highlights the unexpectedness of the entire situation and how fast they had to get prepared to deploy.



Afterwards, the men sang the 4th Infanty Division Song, and the Army Song. I don't know why it makes me want to cry. But it does. Maybe it's all the men's voices singing. Maybe it's all the camo. Maybe it's the patriotism mixed with a hefty dose of intense fear and anxiety.



Maybe its the fact that it symbolized the days and hours we have left as an intact family are truly in the countdown now.

Maybe it's that watching my husband, standing there with all the other husbands, sons, and brothers about to deploy.

Again.

Is just a whole hell of a lot to bear.
In a room full of soldiers and spouses, in those overwhelming emotional moments, it is still entirely possible to feel so isolated and alone in this trial.

Then. I came home to find two blog posts dedicated to my husband and our family.

My friend Jennifer, who I stayed with in Kiev on the first trip, wrote a sweet and moving post about her little Ukrainian and seeing the American flag for the first time. It was titled "Land of the free, because of the Brave." And how when she sees the flag now she will think of, and pray for, our little family. Her words of encouragement, support and understanding were beautiful and true.

My brother in law wrote a very moving post this morning about my husband. He titled it "A True Hero". It brought feelings of pride, but also a great deal of tears. He knows more than most what an incredible person we are giving up for the next nine months.

I wish everyone could know the special soul that is my husband. I wish, when people thought of "the war" and "soldiers" that they would picture him, his goodness and strength sent off to war on their behalf. I wish that they could feel, just for one second, the pain his little ones feel when they have to hug him goodbye for 9 months (or 12, like the two deployments before). I wish they could catch a glimpse of the long days and dark nights we have ahead of us, and how those days and nights forever alter the fabric of our little family every time he has to deploy.  I just wish they could understand.

But more than anything, I wish for a safe return. For him, for all the men on his Team. For all the men who stood in front of us today with their loved ones looking on, hoping and praying for the same exact thing. I hope that in 9 months we are ALL in the same place, eagerly anticipating that precious-beyond-description moment of holding them in our arms once more.

Listen UP!

Before long, this girl is going to be speaking in full sentences.

But the baby-steps to get there are adorable too!

Just listen to our sweet girl, and some of her "most used" phrases. It's guaranteed to make you smile!

(switched the video over to youtube, hopefully it will play better now!)

Deployment Presents

We have a tradition in our house.

Kinda sucks that its happened enough times to be called a tradition.......but, whatever. It is what it is.

When Daddy gets ready to deploy, he gets each child a gift. Something special to remind them of him while he is gone, bring them a little bit of comfort. Make Mama cry every time she sees it. You know. The usual.

This go-around the gifts went something like this:

Vi, who has no clue why she is even getting a present, is very happy with her keepsake box. (Bug has a few knick-knack boxes on her dresser, which Vi has been eying since Day One and asking "Eta Vi's?" (This is Vi's?) over and over. So this was a great choice for her!)

Baby Man got a t-shirt with a picture of him and Daddy, that says "My Daddy Loves Me".  It's kind of giant. I guess he can sleep in it until he grows in to it.....which will probably happen when he's about 5 years old.

Pudah got a necklace, from Etsy (Designed to Charm is the shop if anyone wants one!)

It's got a picture of him and Daddy one one side.......(and Pudah's favorite stuffed tiger, Hobbes.)

And says "Land of the Free Because of the Brave" on the other side, with a flag background.....

I told him it was perfect because we ALL have to be brave to get through these deployments, not just Daddy. America is free because of what we ALL give up in this family, and Pudah seemed to appreciate that sentiment.

Plus, hopefully this will keep him from wanting to wear Daddy's dog tags like he did last time. Makes me nervous, being that Pudah often "misplaces" things and those happen to have Daddy's social security number on them. So the necklace was a perfect choice for this boy!

Bug got a special photo blanket.

She was totally jealous of Pudah's last deployment. So this was also an easy and natural choice. Unfortunately, it looked RED on the website, but is actually more orange. Boo on that, Shutterfly! Still, it was too late to return it so orange will have to do. It's got photos from the day she was born all the way up to almost-present time, doing some of her favorite things with her Daddy.

(They were talking about the photos and how she was a little tiny baby. So naturally, Daddy had to rock her like a baby. I. Cry.)

 Last, but never least! The biggest boy, Edo, received a wall calendar. Ironically, he is hanging it up and the month is March, and those are photos of us from Daddy' coming home LAST March. You know. Cause he just came home barely a year ago.

Boo on that, Army.

Big kids aren't all in to pictures and stuff, so I had to stealth-ninja these photos while he was hanging the calendar and couldn't protest too much.

Edo also had a calendar last time. Its the perfect gift for a first born child who needs a sense of control in difficult times. The feeling of marking off the days allows him to have that something, when so much is beyond his control.

And there you have it. A little sneak-peek in to a family tradition for this military life.

Any of you other military spouses have a pre-deployment tradition with your kiddos to prepare them for the goodbyes?

Sisters

Attempting to balance the pre-deployment-stress posts with the wonderfulness-that-is-my-life posts.

It's tricky business.

We've had some tough days with Vi, I'm not gonna lie. But it is interesting every day to see what new "switches" will flip on in her brain. Things she discovers about our house and family are brand new every day during this stage post-adoption.

Yesterday it seems, she finally discovered she had a Sister.

I had to spend most of my afternoon and evening driving Edo & Pudah to the airport. They are going to visit my Ex. It is always super hard to put them on a plane alone, even if one of them is bigger than me he's still my baby forever gosh-darn-it! They were happy and excited though, which makes it a bit easier for my Momma-heart.


So that left my husband here, with the two girls and Baby Man most of the day. While Vi has been particularly fond of Pudah, and the older boys in general from Day One, her relationship with Bug has been a bit......slower to develop. She seemed jealous with Bug, and a lot of her whining and tantrums happened more often when Bug was home than if she was at school. I don't know if she viewed her as competition or what, but I hoped that soon the two of them would find a way to make friends at least.

Apparently, we just needed to remove Mommy from the equation for a couple of hours.

Before I left they had started playing a bit in the backyard. Daddy said they played together very well all the rest of the afternoon. This morning though, I saw it with my own eyes. Our girls woke up and came down the stairs together, sliding on their bottoms and giggling.  Then our two girls snuggled up on the little princess couch and "read" some books together.

Note: Bug state she was"reading in Russian, Mama! Listen!" right before I started recording. So if her words don't make sense, it's because she is trying to copy Vi's sounds! Can you GET any cuter than that?!?!? No. No, I don't think so.

Later as we read some books together Vi put her arm around Bug's shoulder's and gave her a great, big kiss on the  cheek.

I think the sister-light has switched on. And I'm totally loving it.

Getting to Know Pre-Deployment

Have you ever played that "Getting to Know You" game, where you say three things about yourself but one of them is false?

I'm going to play a little "Getting to Know Pre-Deployment" with you, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with the emotional downs and downs of the process.

(Yes. I know it should say ups and downs. I can't think of any "ups" at the moment though. So I'm gonna stick with "downs and downs." Ok?)

Are you ready to guess?

One of the following statements about my day yesterday is false. The other two are absolute Truth.

1. Yesterday, I ate break-n-bake Nestle Chocolate Chip Cookies for Lunch.

2. Yesterday, I vacuumed for a really long time so my kids couldn't hear me crying.

3. Yesterday, I took all my husband's deployment gear out of the living room and put it in the backyard.    Where I promptly set it all on FIRE. 

Mmmmwhahahahaha!!!!

Ok. So it probably wasn't THAT hard to guess which one was false. 

But can you guess which one I actually wanted to do the most?

Yeah. That's probably not too hard either. 

I think I need more cookies.

Two Weeks Home

For the Girl who would shake with fear when the dog barked. Even if he was outside.

For the Girl who, for the first couple days, could hardly stand to look at him out the window.

For the Girl who would grab the nearest person and scream in terror, tripping over herself to get away if the dog came inside.

For the Girl who's only experience of dogs for her entire first 5.5 years of life was the "guard" dogs, mangy and unloved, chained up at the four corners of the orphanage grounds with their vicious barking keeping away any would-be fence climbers. Nevermind that we have no idea what the nannies told the children about dogs.....but I imagine it was not pleasant.

I'd say she's come a long......long way in two short weeks. (Be sure to listen closely and see what english words she's picking up! And, uhm....pretend that her "sit" doesn't sound like "sh*t", mmmk?)

Wouldn't you?

(It helps that we actually own the Best. Dog. Ever. We love you, Mac!)

The Army Wife Values

The Army has 7 Core Values, which soldiers are expect to live by.

It's not small stuff, people.

The standards are high. What is expected of them, spelled out in seven short, sweet, but intrinsically essential values.

These values definitely also apply to being an Army Spouse.

Here is what those values mean to me:

Loyalty
Bear true faith and allegiance to your Soldier. You have to believe in them, and what they are doing, as much if not more than they do in order to live this Army Life.

Duty
Fulfill your obligations, to your husband and your family. Being an army spouse entails taking on additional responsibilities. How you carry out your Duties, especially in the trying times, can bring a great sense of pride and accomplishment to your life.

Respect
Respect yourself, respect your spouse, respect your marriage. "Respect is what allows us to appreciate the best in other people." There is not a better way to say it. See, and appreciate the best in others. Especially your Soldier. It will take you far.

Selfless Service
Being an Army Spouse, our sacrifice is only second to our Soldier's sacrifice. It is hard to be selfless, but Lord knows the Army is going to give you plenty of opportunities to practice until you get it right! The needs of the country and the Army will always trump the needs of your self. Accept it. Embrace it. It is the commitment to "go a little further, endure a little longer, and look a little closer at how" you can add to the effort. This is probably the most challenging value, but because of that it has the ability to teach us the most if we can find a way to live by it.

Honor
Live up to all the other values. Simple......right? Maybe not. However, Living with honor will earn the respect of those around you, and will in turn gain respect for our soldier, our military, our country and our Army Family. Totally. Worth It.

Integrity
Making the right choice, even when it's the hard choice. Do not deceive others. When you represent truth, people are able to trust you. When people are able to trust you, you are able to be a force for good in the world. When you are an Army Spouse your ability to live with integrity reflects on your soldier, especially during a deployment. Make them proud.

Personal Courage
It takes courage to marry in to the military. It takes courage to endure deployments with honor and integrity. It takes great courage to face the many adversities you and your family will encounter in order to serve our great nation. It is not fun. It is not easy. It is not a path many will choose. It can be isolating, and down right terrifying.

But the personal courage of military spouses is what truly sets them apart.

As I watch the spouses around me prepare for this unexpected deployment, their personal courage lifts me up and I hope that mine does the same for them. You have never witnessed true personal courage until you have seen a spouse send their loved one off to war. It is a sacred experience. When I see this value embodied in my fellow Army wives, I am awed and humbled by their strength and so very proud to be counted among them.

Please Tell Me I'm Kidding

Apparently, my children have decided that 72 hours is plenty of time to allow between medical emergencies.

No. I'm not kidding.

Last night, all the littles had been in bed a little less than 30 minutes, and Mom and Dad were playing a card came with Edo and Pudah. Suddenly, my little sweet Bug appears at the top of the stairs.

Bright red.

"Mommmmmmy, I'm iiiiiiiitchy!"

I jumped up and ran to get her. Her cheeks and ears were hot, red and swollen. So were her arms and hands. Daddy was right behind me, and we started taking off her pajamas to see what the HECK was going on. Her legs were also swollen, red and hot, and so was her bottom. But her back and tummy were completely normal. We could see she was starting to break out in to hives.

What. The. Hell.

Daddy grabbed the medicine from the cabinet and we gave her some benadryl. She was talking the whole time, saying how she was in her bed and she tried not to get up but it was just so itchy all over. She was crying. Crying was good.  It meant she could breathe. I was trying not to panic as we hovered between waiting to see if it got better, or calling 911 if it got worse because there was no way I was going to put her in the back of the car where I couldn't see her and drive to the hospital.

Luckily, within just a few minutes, the redness in her ears and checks was a bit less.

We laid her down in the living room. We went over everything she had done and eaten that day, and couldn't think of anything weird. Especially not right before bed. She just had some soup. She was wearing the same pajamas as the day before. She had not had anything new to eat or drink. No new toothpaste or lotion. She had a nasty reaction to  spider bite a few months ago, and I was sure we would find a bug bite somewhere but we couldn't tell what might be bites and what might be hives.

Here is how she looked twenty minutes post-benadryl:

(Yes, my five year old still wears a pull-up at night. She is tiny, and has a tinnier bladder. Judge if you must, but pee-sheets aren't fun for anyone.)

We are going to the doctor at 9 am to discuss what happened. I'm most concerned about the facial swelling, and that if whatever it was happens again she will be unable to breathe.

For a little extra added fun, Edo busted one of his stitches yesterday hitting his hand on the car door. Upon examining his finger, we chose not to go back to the doctor. There was simply no way to stitch it back, and the original doctor said it was unlikely the tissue would survive anyways.

Can someone please tell my children that I need more than 72 hours before the next crisis?

Thanks.

What This Week Feels Like

And in case you were wondering, communicating with your internationally adopted preschooler.....often feels more like..... 

Having a conversation with the butter lid:

E.R.:Take Two

So, this one time....I went to the E.R. twice in one week, with two different kids.

Oh, wait. That was this week. Dang it.

Today, I was supposed to have some time off.  Preparing for the deployment, theres a lot to get done. But a top priority is to get some family photos taken, and we are supposed to be doing that this weekend. So today I was going to go shopping for tops for everyone and then getting a haircut for myself.  It was going to be a morning/afternoon of Me-Time.

There I was hanging out at Kohl's waiting for my hair appointment, when my phone rang. Pudah said he was feeling a bit ill this morning, so I suspected it might be his school. It was my husband.

"Hey, umm, the nurse just called from Edo's school. He cut his finger or something in woodshop, she thinks he might need to see the doctor."

Ok. It didn't sound terribly urgent, so I checked out and drove up to the school which was about 10 minutes away.

Imagine my surprise when I walk in to the nurses office and the lights are out, Edo is laying down with his feet elevated and some dude is holding his hand way up high with an ABD gauze pad over it, blood beginning to seep through. Edo was crying and shaking.

"Cut his finger?" Seriously? I don't think that description quite does it justice.

The nurse went to peel back the pad to let me see but after a small peek I told her it was ok, I didn't need to see any more I would just take him to the ER. Apparently he had been using a "router" in wood-shop to round a piece of wood for a project, with the safety thing (whatever it was) but still, his hand just slipped and....his fingers paid the price. He screamed, the class screamed, general chaos had ensued. He was rushed to the nurse. She said they called me first, but I didn't answer, and when she got my husband she "didn't want to alarm him", so she gave the "less graphic" version of events. I felt badly for choosing to check out at the store before coming down, but really, I didn't have all the facts. So it's not my fault.

They took him out to my car in a wheelchair, poor kid, still moaning and shaking.

We decided to drive up to the Air Force Academy, only to be told at the gate that they had recently CLOSED their ER by the nice gate officer who saw Edo in the front seat, pale and holding his bloody hand. He gave us directions to the next closest ER, which was luckily just a few exits down the interstate.

They had us back in a room in just a few minutes. "So this is Edo, Can you tell me your date of birth? And....you are?" the nurse asked semi-politely. "His Mom," I said. *Insert Shocked Face* "Oh. Ok." The nurse pulled off the pad. She said she "wasn't sure there was much left for the doctor to stitch.". Edo was actually relieved, since the idea of stitches mad whim want to puke. She asked him about his pain, and he said it was an 8/10. I told her a lot of it was anxiety and she said they would get something ordered for him quickly.

(Prepare for gross description)

The doctor came in to examine his fingers. "Hey Edo, what happened here, kid? And you are?" the doctor asked politely. "His Mom." *insert shocked face* "Oh. Ok. Let's take a look at what we've got here." His ring finger essentially had a large abrasion, and there was nothing to stitch. His middle finger.....had more like pieces pulled in all directions, but still attached, and he though he could maybe stitch some of that up but gave no promises that the tissue would actually survive. Most likely there will be quite a bit of scarring. He had to give him 4 shots, 2 in each finger, to numb them so they could clean it well and see what needed to be done. That was definitely the worst part for Edo, the shot was painful and stung a lot. After the fact, the nurse came with some liquid lortab and motrin. He quickly started to feel better, and relaxed quite a bit.

Afterwards, a guy came in and said he was going to get Edo cleaned up. "Hey Man, I'm going to get your hand all cleaned up so the doctor can get a better look. Uhm, Are you his Mom?" he asked, puzzled. *Sigh* I guess this is what I get for making a stupid Facebook status about having the "ability to look 15 forever Super Power." That and the whole having a kid who is taller than me is definitely working against me these days. "Yes, I am his Mom."...... "Oh. Ok."

"You're not Susan (his nurse)" I asked,"Where did she go?" He gave me a devilish grin and said "Oh, but I am! I am suz-AN. It's french!" Even Edo laughed.

He got everything ready and gave Edo's hand a good scrub at which point Edo asked "Are you touching my finger?" Yes, baby, he is touching your finger. "Weird." I could see his eyes starting to glaze over a bit from the medicine, and he suddenly became very chatty. Like a little drunk person. I told him he sounded funny.

He said "In my brain I'm like fine....but when I'm talking.....I'm not."

Here he is, waiting for the doctor to come back and stitch him up, looking a bit drugged: (Not a gross picture)

He ended up with 5 stitches in the one finger. He kept saying "I don't FEEL anything! This is SOOOOO WEEEEIRD! Tell me if he does anything, Mom. Whats he doing now, Mom? Is there a needle in my finger? I don't want to look.....ok, Maybe I will just look a little. Oh MAN that's SO GROSS!"

And then "It's kind of interesting, Can I just poke it a little?"

Uhm. No.

Still, it was much better than the screaming. I. Heart. Lortab. And whatever that numbing medicine was. The guy, who was not Susan, made a comment about this being a "preview for what most of college would feel like." Edo didn't get it.

Here he is all bandaged up:

3 hours total, bandaged and drugged, we were discharged from the E.R. All the way to the car Edo kept talking about "all the nice people" who work in that hospital. It was an incredibly stark contrast to our on-post E.R. experience with Vi, sadly.

From there, we went to Five Guys to celebrate not losing any fingers.

I spoke with his wood-shop teacher by phone. He felt terribly about the whole thing, he had left a message earlier asking me to call him when we were done at the doctor and let him know how Edo was doing and "how his heart is doing, because I know that what happened is scary."  Edo has some really awesome teachers.  He said he had injured himself once a couple years back on the same machine and had someone come out to do an inspection and suggest extra safety measures, which he felt were adequate. Still when you are using large power tools, anything can happen, and it really was just an accident. I told him perhaps Edo should have kept his french class elective instead of switching to wood-working. He laughed. I kind of meant it though.

We went to school to pick up his backpack and jacket, which he insisted he needed. There were still plenty of kids in the hallways doing after-school stuff and a whole bunch of girls screamed when they saw him and showed great amounts of concern about his injured fingers. As his Mom, I'm not entirely sure how I felt about that. There was a teacher near by who asked "What happened?" and one of the girls answered "HE CUT HIS FINGERS OFF IN WOOD-SHOP!!" 

Clearly, the story had already become the stuff of legend. It only takes a few hours when you are in seventh grade.

If you are one of my curious nurse friends, or you don't have a weak stomach, feel free to scroll down for a photo of the stitches. If you are not a nurse friend and might puke on your keyboard....consider yourself warned. I call it "The Franken-Finger":

The Hello-Goodbye Calendar

There are a lot of ways to mark the passage of time.

Through out all of human history, people have found ways to keep track of days, weeks, months. Seasons. Years.

They have to follow a calendar that makes sense for them. Something that keeps their world in order, usually based on important events, whether they are religious or seasonal. To know where a person stands in relationship to Time.

In the Military Family World, we have our own calendar.

It's not widely recognized.  It isn't terribly popular.  In fact, most military families are reluctant to say they live by such a calendar at all.

But like it or not....we do.

I call it the "Hello-Goodbye Calendar."

(But you could refer to it as a "Deployment Rotation Calendar", or the "Oh Sh*t Has A Year Gone By Already Calendar" or the "But the Army Said You Would Be Home For 5 Years and Go To Grad School and Teach At West Point But They Changed Their Minds Calendar."  Take your pick.)


We first said Hello in February of 2006, when the boys' and I married in to this Military Life.

 (Airborne School July 2006)

We said Goodbye in October 2007.

(Afghanistan)

We said Hello in late December 2008.

We said Goodbye August 2009.

We said Hello in October 2009.

 (Ranger School, 2.5 months separated. Hand-written letters allowed, and two 5 minute phone calls. Not a deployment, but it still kinda sucked being pregnant and having essentially zero contact. Oh, and all three kids got the swine flu. That was a good time.)

We said Goodbye in March 2010.

(Iraq)

We said Hello in March 2011.

We threw away the wretched calendar at that point.  Dean was accepted to an appointment to go to Graduate School, (paid for by the Army) and then on to teach at West Point for 3 years. To say we were thrilled is the understatement of the year. The prospect of spending so much time together was mind-blowing. Wonderful.

He was supposed to start school this fall, September 2012.

5 years together, unheard of in army families these days. We made the choice to adopt, knowing this window of stability would most likely never occur again.

It turned out, the stability we had been promised....was all too easily snatched away from us.

We will say Goodbye. Again. 


In March 2012.


As in approximately 15 days from now, people.

Another deployment to Afghanistan. For 9 months.

The plan now is to "delay" school one semester, which means after 9 months of fighting my husband will have to immediately jump in to school in January of 2013. This "compromise" is terrible, first because of course he has to actually survive 9 months in Afghanistan, which no one wants to think or say out loud but is completely true.  And second, he will have zero time to adjust back to normal life before having to move and start school. To say it is going to be an incredibly difficult transition is an understatement I don't know you can understand unless you have been deployed or are the spouse of someone who has been deployed.

We found out this was the "new plan"officially while I was in Ukraine on my second trip, preparing to bring Vi home. We had first heard there was a possibility of deployment in mid-December....but call me an optimist or just plain foolish, I really thought everything would be fine. The West Point assignment is not a small thing, he had been chosen out of hundreds of applicants, he had a lot of people fighting for him to move forward on the path as planned. I didn't feel it was unreasonable or asking too much for common sense to prevail. Surely they could find another captain who didn't have such a major commitment (well-earned, long planned, and so deserved!) to go to Afghanistan.....right?

Wrong.

I'm not one of those people who complains about the Army. Look back through my blog. The Army has mostly treated us very well, and I honestly have no intention of bashing the organization as a whole. I am proud to be a military spouse. We've done deployments and I believe we have weathered them very well. We accept that they are a part of this military life. Our family, like most military families, has seen heartache and triumph, separation and reunion on levels many will never experience and I am genuinely incredibly grateful for the strength and resilience it has taught all of us.

It's not about that though.

It's about having the rug pulled out from under an entire family, unnecessarily. There are absolutely other people who could fill his position, but for reasons unknown to me or anyone else his command team has chosen to put my husband and our entire family in this impossible, terrible position. My children do not have to go through this deployment. My husband did not have to go through this deployment. Our marriage did not have to go through this deployment. It is completely, 100% unnecessary and avoidable.  He worked hard, he earned this position at West Point. He deserves to go, and we deserve to have what was promised to us over a year ago when he was accepted.

Let me be very clear about one thing: I have never been more proud of my husband, his dedication and service to our country. He is the bravest person I have ever known, and I am lucky to be his wife. Watching him go through the ups and downs of this whole situation, seeing how hard he fought for what was best for our family, looking on now as he prepares himself for this deployment.....I am in awe of his personal courage, integrity and inner strength. He is an amazing man, who has been dealt a seriously crap hand in all of this.

I know his teammates and their spouses are grateful to have him on their side. As he takes on the position of Team Leader on a Security Force Advisory and Assistance Team (SFAAT) for this deployment, there is a great deal of responsibility on his shoulders. But he is up to the task, of that I have no doubt and I know they do not doubt it either.

However, I have never been more terrified for what this means for our family. Our children, who have all been counting down the months until we would move, for Daddy to start school, for a more "normal" family routine, for years of stability after sacrificing so much in the last 7 years....are devastated. And rightfully so.

And sweet little Vi. She has waited her whole life for a Mama and a Papa. How can we possibly explain? How will this impact her ability to bond with her father long term? What could possibly be more cruel to do to an orphan who has at long last found a home than to tear it apart almost as soon as she arrives? I grieve for her, and what she is about to go through, and honestly weep at the unfairness of it all.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as we dig deep within ourselves to find the courage to say Goodbye once more.