The Untold Story

A great shift seems to have taken place within the orphanage walls.

The faces of the nannies are different as they regard me when I come in.
I can feel it as well, a strange sort of tension that was not there before.

But they are not angry.
They are sad.

Vi bursts on the scene with her usual enthusiasm, but this particular nanny comes in to the room with her. Usually they just leave her with me at the door to the playroom.

Today was different.

The nanny tried to tell me something, over and over. Her eyes plead with me to understand. I could not. She motioned that she was going to go and then come back, and put her fingers to her lips like "shhhh! It's a secret."

Vi pulled out her snack and was going about our visit as usual.

The nanny returned about ten minutes later. She placed a handful of small toys next to my girl.  She grabbed Vi's face and kissed her forehead and cheeks many times, while Vi made the classic kid-faced "leave me alone I'm busy!" look. The nanny looked at me again, her eyes brimming with tears.

She motioned to the little toys. Then outside.
"Should we go outside to play?" I asked (they must think I'm really not all that bright! In hindsight it was obvious what she was trying to tell me.)

No, she motioned to the toys again, then me, then Vi's bag....then outside.

They are for her to take home??


Yes.

Are you sure? 


Yes, shhh! Don't tell anyone.

It was a gift. Nothing fancy or expensive. Some well-loved small toys, which if I had to guess the nanny had taken great care to choose a few things Vi liked the most. For what? To remind Vi of them. Of this place. Her first home.

Her first family.

Yes, I know, it's an orphanage. But it's the only family she has ever known as well.

There is no doubt in my mind how much our girl is loved and cared for here. But today, instead of knowing she is happy and healthy therefore she must be receiving good care....I saw it. In action. In a small, but significant gesture. This woman has likely cared for our daughter much of her life. Memories we will never have....how she cooed as a baby, her first smiles, first steps, first words, could very well be stored in this caregivers heart and mind.

She wants to celebrate Vi's victory, I can see that. Having a family is a big deal, the biggest deal really, under these sort of circumstances. But, she is still mourning her own loss as well. The loss of this beautiful shining star to a new life and new world.

What stories these brave women must carry. To not only do the work they do, day in and day out, but to know that one day all their babies will be lost to them and the only two options are: Adoption vs. Institution. Clearly, they want the best for their babies. Still, even with the outcome being an adoption and family it must be incredibly difficult to watch them go. Our girl got more hugs and kisses today than I have ever seen, everyone who saw her wanted to hug and kiss her. And she was absolutely delighted, unaware of the emotions just under the surface. Unable to fully comprehend what is happening, because she is 5.

Walking in the halls in and out today each person looked at me and stated "Vi's Mama" and smiled, as if to acknowledge what is taking place in their hearts. They are handing her to me. Preparing themselves for the separation they know is coming, and coming soon.

She has gone from their baby....to our baby.

And they are trying to figure out how to say Goodbye.