Pushing Boundaries

I came home yesterday to no lights, no heat, and no internet. Hence, no blog post. I wasn't being a slacker, promise! Although, I did get a 4 hour nap out of the deal. I woke up to a knock on my door, and the front desk man handing me a candlestick and some matches.

I took this to mean the lights weren't coming back on any time soon.

Bonus: I got to sit up late reading by candlelight! It would have been totally old fashioned.....except I was reading on my Nook. Still, I read until the candle was just a nub, and then went to sleep.

Until all the lights suddenly came on shortly after midnight.

And then went out again.

I'm telling you, that will scare the crap out of anyone and it makes it very hard to go back to sleep with that much adrenaline pumping through your veins. I was smart enough to go around the apartment and flip all the switches to OFF, so if the power returned it wouldn't scare me half to death again, but I didn't sleep much at all after that.

This morning I woke up, and the lights worked! Hurrah! But the wall heaters were still ice cold, there was a red light flashing on my water heater (flashing red lights indicate Not Good in all countries apparently) and there was no internet. I got dressed and walked down to a McDonald's with Wi Fi to notify people that I was alive. I had told my Mom I would Skype with the kids before school the day before but obviously that didn't happen and I didn't want them to think I had forgotten or to be worried.

A bit grumpy from being cold and not sleeping and being unable to shower due to the flashing-red-light-issue, I headed to the orphanage for my visit with Vi certain that I would soon feel much better.

However, today was nothing like our other visits.

She came in the room and gave me a hug, but she was talking furiously fast with the Nanny, trying to convince her of something. I thought she was saying she wanted to go outside, the sun was shining and it really was looking like it would be a beautiful day perfect for some outside time. But when I grabbed my coat the Nanny told me "Nyet" and told Vi "Nyet" and then left.

Vi. Was. Cross.

She stood, still mumbling in russian and obviously a bit angry. Oh well, I thought. Our moods would perhaps be more similar this morning. Everyone is allowed to have a bad day, right? I started pulling toys and snacks out of my bag, but she really wasn't interested. The slinky briefly cheered her up, but I could tell something was bothering her. She decided she would have her juice, and she has been letting me help open the straw but today she refused. Instead she bit at the plastic, tearing it with her teeth. Same with her banana, she flat out would not let me help her. I praised her for being a big girl and doing it herself, but I wondered what was going on.

She then decided to dig through my bag, looking for the water she had yesterday. But she had drank it all and the bottle was in the trash at the apartment. She was angry she couldn't find it. She found instead a tiny bottle of lotion. We would put a bit on our hands and rub it in, she would say something that I think meant it was makeup and that we were beautiful, and then squeeze out more. I was happy to have found something she wanted to interact with me about so I let her have it. I didn't need the lotion, and I didn't really care if she wanted to play with it, but she didn't want to stop there. She wanted to lotion her hands, then wash them off, then lotion them again. This would have been a fine game except there are NO paper towels or toilet paper in the tiny bathroom attached to the playroom so we were getting wet and getting the floor wet and generally making a mess. When I ran out of the tiny pack of facial tissue I had brought using it all to wipe us off, I told her "No more" her mood immediately went south again.

She returned to her snack...and attempted to empty her juice box out on her photo book.

I took the book and put it away, told her No and told her the juice was to drink. (in the best russian I could manage)

She gave me a look for about 3 seconds, and then a mischievous sort of smile.  And then attempted to pour the juice on my phone.

I took the juice away, told her No again, and that it was to drink.

She laid down on the floor. She didn't really have a fit, but just sort of rolled around on the ground more as if to say "I'm not listening, you can't make me!" than to have a tantrum.

I pulled out a rocking horse. All she wanted to do was tip it over, not sit or rock or let me pull her around. She just knocked it over again and again. She sat on it once, but when I pulled it for her to ride she fell off the back on purpose and gave me a sour face.

Then she went back to my bag, pulled out the lotion and emptied the rest of the bottle on to her hands. Then shouted to have them washed. While I was getting the soap she turned the sink on full-blast and soaked her sleeves.

And so on and so forth for 1.5 hours

I'm going to stop here and just say, this was an incredibly exhausting morning. I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG, but she couldn't tell me what it was. She was doing everything she could to get me to understand the only way any kid can...trying to push buttons and test boundaries. Trying to show me, since she couldn't tell me, that she was upset.

At the end of the visit, no one was in the hallway to take her back to her groupa, and she took off running down the hallway. She made a beeline for the directors office, and though we passed a few nannies on the way none of them tried to stop her. I kept asking "groupa? groupa?" but none of them would help me out. She barged right in to the office, asking for a candy or treat, and while the director gave me a brief smile she was clearly not amused. However, she was still so kind with Vi and she gave her an entire box full of lollipops and told us to take them back to the groupa. We walked back towards the stairs, and finally a nanny motioned that she would take Vi the rest of the way. They don't seem to want me to go upstairs, mostly I assume because it upsets and disrupts the other kids.  I gave Vi a kiss goodbye, she gave me a grudging half-hug back.

I put my coat on and walked out the front door. Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks:


This morning when I arrived there had been a bus in the parking lot. There is never a bus???


The bus was full of children, who waved as I walked past to enter the building.


The bus full of children was going somewhere.


And they went. Without. Vi.


I felt like an idiot.


As soon as my ride arrived I asked her "There was a bus this morning here, why?"

"Excursion. City Center. Once a month. Understand?"


"They went on a field trip? Excursion? Why didn't Vi get to go?!?"

"Mama. Mama come to visit, they say "No, no excursion for Vi. Your Mama will want you." Understand?"


*forehead smack*


No wonder she was less than happy to see me. I mean, having a Mama is cool and all, and no doubt most days for the last month it has made her feel special, different, admired. Most days her friends were envious. Most days her friends likely asked her a million questions after her visits. Most days she must feel like a celebrity, or a kid who just won the lottery.

But today it only meant getting left behind.

This very special trip that only comes once a month, and even though she doesn't know it, it would have been her very last field trip with her friends. It had come and she was told No, you have to stay here and visit with your Mom. A day all the older children must look forward to with eager anticipation all month long, and she was told No, go play with your Mom in that tiny room with all the old stuffed animals and have a snack and miss out on our fun adventure. The only time they ever travel beyond the orphanage walls, unless its a trip to the hospital if they are very ill, and she was forced to stay and hang out with me.

Can you tell me any 5 year old who wouldn't feel like they had gotten the short end of the stick on a day like that?

My 5 year old at home wouldn't miss a field trip for the world! Of COURSE Vi was angry and upset!  If I had known there was something special going on, I could have stayed at the apartment and let her go! And the truth is, if she wanted to go instead of seeing me that means she knows I will come see her the next day and missing one visit isn't such a big deal. She must feel secure in that on some level, to be angry and say (with her actions) "I really wanted to go on this trip and you messed it up. I'm mad at you."

Today was the first time I really desperately wished we spoke the same language. So I could say "I'm sorry. I would have wanted to go on the field trip too.